Sunday, 25 August 2013

PCDBL - Its all gone a bit alien wing wong!

I was hoping to bring you coverage of the final round one matches in this blog sports fans, unfortunately terrorist action (they're renovating the floor in our gaming hall) and legal ineptitude (a solicitor screwed up my house move) meant that the games this week had to be postponed.  Lucky for you though we've got "Elwood and Kurts'  Probing Eye";  their view of some of the rising stars of the league.  To start with though let's look at the current league standings.

Alpha Division, Phat Conference

TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Brutal DeluxeDanVoid Siren173
Squat ThrustChrisForge Fathers000

Alpha Division is shaping up to be a division of of extremes!  J-MEAT and Brutal Deluxe are the two highest scoring teams in the entire league so far and tickets for their future match up are already selling like bottled water during a cholera outbreak.  Squat Thrust and the as yet unnamed Zz'or team (they're enigmatic bastards as well as getting into your skirting boards) have yet to play leaving Panzerkrieg languishing at the bottom.  With only one game down though there is plenty of opportunity to turn the table on its head.

Beta Division, Phat Conference

TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
The VaticlanAustinVeer-myn122
Psychotic StuntiesLee OswinForge Fathers122
Helheim SerpentsAlaisdhairForge Fathers1-21
Titanium TerrorsStuart JRobots1-21
Lady Destroying BehemothsRoss Koch-McLovinTrontek 29ers1-70

Some cagey, defensive games in the first round is reflected in the league standings.  They were brutal though with Beta Division having had the most fatalities of any of the divisions.  Only the Lady Destroying Behemoths are lagging but again, its all still to play for.

Delta Division, Cats Conference

TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Rico's RoachesAntZz'orr112
Crimson Corpse CreatorsCoopsOrx1-10
Zhambel HorsemenRob HowardTrontek 29ers000
Super NashwanGazVoid Siren000
The DisrespectersDarrellVeer-myn000

Another really tight (ooo, matron!) division if the first match was anything to go by.  There's another clash of human teams styles in the offing with Super Nashwan and Zhambel Horsemen squaring off which will certainly be one to watch.

Gama Division, Cats Conference

TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Iron SparkiesJakeTrontek 29ers1-51
Guttersnipe RacketeersLee UptonVeer-myn000
Olympiakos PaiderastesSonnyTrontek 29ers000
JackhammersJack Robots000
LCBW managed to win their first match giving them an early lead in Gamma Division however, all the pundits are asking, will their failure to secure a landslide victory against the Iron Sparkies make them vulnerable later on?  Only time will tell!

Elwood and Kurt's Probing Eye

Elwood T. Bone
Welcome sexy people to our first Probing Eye of the season.  We'll be looking at those players who have made their mark ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
... quite literally in some cases ...

Elwood T. Bone
... on the league so far!


Elwood T. Bone
Let's take at look at Alpha Division first, Kurt.  J-MEAT are sitting pretty right at the top their thanks to their star strikers ... err ... is that a "K"?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
How the frack-a-nola should I know Elwood?  That's no writing I've ever seen before - I thought someone had sneezed on my script.  For the purposes of this Probing Eye #4 is Shitweasel and #5 is Fudgerocket; near as god-dammit as I'm going to get to their names.

Elwood T. Bone
Didn't you win an award once for cross species cultural understanding Kurt?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yeah but only after I threatened to beat the voting panel to death with a Zz'or's gentalia if they didn't vote for me.

Elwood T. Bone
In any case those those freaky Judwan are scoring machines.  Who knows by the end of the season Shitweasel and Fudgerocket could both be in the running for the Golden Glove for top scorer.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
If we're talking about records lets look at one player that has set the bar high for everyone in his first match; Dutch Van Haegan, #1 Guard for Brutal Deluxe achieved the fastest league kill with a Rush 2, Action 2 kill.  I've always said the best defence is a brutal and efficient maiming of the opponent; strikers can't score if they're dead!

Elwood T. Bone
Unfortunately true, Kurt.  Brutal Deluxe have two of the top scoring strikers as well to go with their monster guard.  #11 Thelonius Caine and #12 Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto both slammed home 4 pointers.  I sense a bit of rivalry between these two Kurt!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
They're strikers Elwood; it's probably just sexual tension ...


Elwood T. Bone
Its the graveyard division!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Oh yes Elwood; this is the division where players come to die - IN THEIR DROVES!  Right at the top of this predatory food chain is Psychotic Stunties #1 Guard Borden Forgefist and his tag team partner, #2 Guard Gunnar Earbiter, between them them tallied two kills and a serious repair job.  A psychotically pleasing start to the season!

Elwood T. Bone
Indeed and if that were not enough #13 Striker Herger "Tugboat" Krems managed a 3 point strike.  Took him all game to get there though!  Personally I don't think "Tugboat" will be threatening for the Golden Glove by the end of the season but then I've seen Kurt holding a puppy so stranger things have happened!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I was looking for somewhere to drown it.  I have to agree though Elwood; Forgefather strikers are about as much use as a prophylactic flavoured lollipop.  Watch those guards though sports fans!

Elwood T. Bone
If we're talking about top scorers we need to be looking at The Vaticlan my dangerously violent compatriot.  #3 Striker Skrittik Cheesewhizz and #5 Striker Renik Twitchflick both of whom delivered the strikes to win their first game and I have to say they are on fire.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Great news!  I've often thought cooking Veer-myn could solve many problems!

Elwood T. Bone
Not literally on fire; its an expression ... can I just ask what your IQ is again Kurt?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Anything over 60 is wasted on a true Dreadballer ...

Elwood T. Bone
So somewhere in the low 50's then I'm guessing.  That's all for now oh Disciples of Dreadball.  In the next programme we'll be looking at the new talent in Delta and Gamma divisions and previewing the frenzied bidding as the MVP market opens for the first time this season.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes its a real meat-market ...

Elwood T. Bone
Reminds me of an Asterian Courtesan auction I went to once; so difficult to tell the genders apart and yet intriguing experiences either way you went ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Your are a rancid, weeping carbuncle on the forehead of humanity Elwood.  I'm off to get hosed down.

Saturday, 17 August 2013


Welcome back sport's fans!  The first night of the PCDBL league has been played and it was a night to remember.  It was a night for making new heroes, forging new rivalries and burying the newly dead!  For our round up of the night's events lets go over to the studio now where Elwood T. Bone and Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer are waiting to pick over the bones.

Elwood T. Bone 
Thank you Mr Shot!  It was indeed a night to remember; nine 3+ strikes, five serious injuries and three fatalities.  Sounds like the post-testimonial party I hosted last week; boy do those Asterian chicks like a good strike!  By the way, if members of the Corporation Law Enforcement community are watching, I still have NO memory of how that Judwan ended up face down in the pool.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
How are you not dead from Venusian Scrotum Rot you deviant pond dweller?  I also notice I didn't get an invite to that party; thanks for that.  Back to the games though and lets have a look at the round up of tonight's matches:

FEATURED MATCH:  Rico's Roaches v Crimson Corpse Creators

Rico's Roaches and Crimson Corpse Creators wait for the launch to start the game.

Roaches Coach, Anton is looking confident.  He's also managed to get some product placement in which will make his sponsors happy!

Crimson Corpse Creators Coach, Coops look like he has something up his sleeve.  Lets hope its a plan for the match and not something less savoury.  Personally I reckon its the latter.
Elwood T. Bone 
This was a tight one, which as my fans will know is just how I like them!  The goblinz are a slippery bunch and made the most of their speed to weave through the Roaches defence.  Turned out though that they all need more practice on the throwing range as they couldn't score a single strike!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That's right Elwood, there was guard on guard action in the centre of the pitch as the teams fought to establish defensive dominance.  It was a carapace crunching affair too as Crimson Corpse Creator #2 Mongo Manmasher hit a Roaches' jack so hard his chitin split, spraying bug innards everywhere.  I'd say it was dead Elwood but who can tell with these alien freaks?

FIGHT!  Hang on; where did the ball go?
Elwood T. Bone 
As the clock ticked away the goblinz missed strike after strike as the Roaches traded blows with the Orx.  Will nobody think of the ball?!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Screw the ball you priapic gland, the Roaches played a masterful defensive game grinding down the Crimson Corpse Creators through sheer iron will.  With the final klaxon announcing sudden death that changed though!

Elwood T. Bone 
It certainly did; making a final play to end the match, Rico's Roaches #8, "Sugar Rush" scooped the ball into it's alien scoopy-appendage, scuttled into the 1 point strike zone and promptly slammed that baby home!  The first and only strike attempt by the Roaches won them the match!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Sure; all the deviants and cocktail drinkers out there will have wanted a more open game.  But I say go touch yourself with a cattleprod you inbred hemaphrodites; this was a real game with a real result!

FINAL SCORE:  Crimson Corpse Creators 0 - 1 Rico's Roaches

Helheim Serpents v The Vaticlan 

The Vaticlan #3, Skritik Cheesewhizz slams home the winning three point strike leaving Serpents' players eating his dust.  Rumours abound that the "all grey" uniform of the Serpents is being changed for their next match!
Elwood T. Bone 
Two fairly inexperienced coaches led to a wide open game.  In the end though the Helheim Serpents with their tiny legs just couldn't outscore The Vaticlan.  Despite the Serpents scoring a three pointer and a single point strike two big three pointers put the The Vaticlan ahead as the clock counted out leaving the rats to head to the sewer for an after party and the stumpies to sit and cry into their beards.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes I have to say the the defensive errors on both sides made me quite angry Elwood.  I might have even lashed out at one stage.  Apologies to Pip Angostura from K-Mine Industries Vidcast;  hope your nose can be grown back.  On a legal point, Pip, I did tell you not to sit that close to me.  More gratifyingly both The Vaticlan and the Serpents did demonstrate the violence that is the cornerstone of a good defence with Serpents #6 Gunnar Bjarnisson and The Vaticlan #3 Sarkos the Scabrous both sending an opponent to out for surgery!

FINAL SCORE:  The Vaticlan 2 - 0 Helheim Serpents

J-MEAT v Panzerkrieg

Don't look away because you might miss the whole match!

Elwood T. Bone 
High holy frickin' hookers on space hoppers if you blinked you would have missed this game.  Right from the off J-MEAT dominated possession running circles around Panzerkrieg.  Those robots just couldn't catch a break! When the ball finally did fall in their favour it promptly shattered handing the ball back to J-MEAT to score their final strike for a landslide victory.  Those Judwan are just so frickin flexible ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
The Judwan disgust me Elwood.  If it were up to me I'd drown them all in a swimming pool ...

Elwood T. Bone 
I couldn't comment on that Kurt ... I don't remember a thing.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
You can't question their scoring ability but who in a sane and God-fearing universe would play Dreadball without any guards?  And what was that celebratory thing J-MEAT #4 and #5 did after their 3 point strikes?  It was like some kind of judwan-erotic pre-bunk up dance.  Made me puke.  Again, apologies to Pip Angostura ...

FINAL SCORE:  J-MEAT 7 - 0 Panzerkrieg

Iron Sparkies v LCBW 

Playing at the new Tesla Dome stadium, its 30 seconds to pain-o'clock!

Elwood T. Bone 
It seems the lanky freaks are not flawless!  Despite their flowing moves getting them out of trouble time and time again,  LCBW coach, Nick was not happy with his teams ball handling as they fumbled too many attempts.  Personally I find you need to pay a premium to get really high quality ball handling or spend exhaustive time in one on one sessions to teach the correct method.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Wait; are you talking about Dreadball or hookers?

Elwood T. Bone 
Equally applicable advice Kurt ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I swear I'm sending you my decontamination bill you diseased reprobate.    What I do know is that the Iron Sparkies made far too many defensive errors, the most basic being that to really hurt a Judwan you need three players; two to hold it still and one to twat it in the wing wong.  Otherwise the slippery bastards get away.

Elwood T. Bone 
In the end defensive errors gifted the game to LCBW with #6 Shoon-Ra the Contemplative scoring two 3+ strikes and taking the man of the match.

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Freak of the week more like ...

FINAL SCORE:  Iron Sparkies 0 - 5 LCBW

Psychotic Stunties v Titanium Terrors

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
This was a servo-smashing affair Elwood with two, that's TWO fatalities.  Psychotic Stunties #1 Guard, Borden Forgefist and #2 Guard Gunnar Earbiter totalled a robot each with Borden dispatching another to the repair yard.  That's going to be expensive!

Elwood T. Bone 
It certainly is Kurt, especially since the Stunties managed to score a 3+ point strike!  Probably too much to ask them to score more than once given the time it takes them to run the full length of the pitch.  All the Titanium Terrors could manage was a single point in reply.  Not so terrifying after all it would seem.  On the plus side I here there is good money to be found providing AI modules for auto-erotic stimulation devices; they might have failed as players but some cheerleader will be smiling!

FINAL SCORE:  Psychotic Stunties 2 - 0 Titanium Terrors

Lady Destroying Behemoths v Brutal Deluxe

Elwood T. Bone 
We witnessed a clash of styles in this match with Lady Destroying Behemoths playing in the Trontek style versus Brutal Deluxe's Void Siren set up.  And what a match it was!

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
It certainly was; Brutal Deluxe now are the proud holders of fastest kill in the leagues with a text book, rush two take down of a Lady Destroying Behemoth striker.  #1 Guard Dutch Van Haegan executed a perfect neck chop; who'd have thought it would actually remove his target's head though?  Even if they stitch that back on its going to leave a scar!

Elwood T. Bone 
Let's not forget the underhanded play by Brutal Deluxe getting Lady Destroying Behemoths' #1 Guard Steph "Codemonkey" Ashwell set off by forcing a suckerpunch.  He didn't see that coming, but the ref certainly did!  Lady Destroying Behemoths got an early one point strike on the board but Brutal Deluxe #11 Thelonius Caine countered with a dashing move to score a four point strike.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That certainly riled the Lady Destroying Behemoths' #2 Guard Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton who served up an express delivery of pain to a Brutal Deluxe jack, knocking him the frick out!

Elwood T. Bone 
Yes but Lady Destroying Behemoths fumbled their last play scattering their ball dangerously into their three point strike zone.  With the last rush of the game Brutal Deluxe's #12 striker Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto sprinted the length of the pitch to gather the ball and then, to add insult to injury, audaciously hopped back into the bonus hex to score a four point strike and clinch the game! LANDSLIDE-RYU!!!!!!!!!!

FINAL SCORE:  Lady Destroying Behemoths 0 - 7 Brutal Deluxe

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That's all for tonight sports fans ...

Elwood T. Bone 
Although I am available at the Sweaty Crevice Nightclub later if there are any erotic adventurers out there eager for new experiences ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
You are aware that it is only the money I get paid for this that is preventing me from killing you. And seriously, wash next time, you smell like a turd covered in burnt hair.

Elwood T. Bone 
That's what desire smells like ...

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

PCDBL - colour me hospitalised ...

Bienvenue, wilkommen, welcome sports fans to the PCDBL blog.

With a mere 72 hours until it all kicks off (and I mean that literally; Ross Koch-McLovin, having lived for years with a highly suggestive surname and Godzilla jokes (he's HUGE) is rated 9.4 on the table-flipping scale) the teams are starting to post some honey shots.   Mmmm, work it for the camera!

Let's start with the pros ...

Team Rico's Roaches Coach Anton

Anton, as well as being the official Godfather of Dreadball at Phatcats is also a painting machine.  Seriously I think the man has invented some kind of time distortion device given the quality and quantity of the stuff he turns out.  On his blog you can find some cracking photos of Rico's Roaches who will be one of the teams in the featured matches from the first night of the league.  I'd recommend a browse through the rest of his stuff ... it's proper "Diary of a Mad Man" stuff and very entertaining!

Team Titanium Terrors Coach Stuart J

These vending machines of violence and violation have had their warm up games and are ready for the real thing.  What's the orx doing in the front of the picture you ask?  Target practice ...

Team Iron Sparkies Coach Jake
There's something timeless about about angry men in power armour, a timelessness that Jake has managed to capture in his team.  Will it still be apparent after they've been torn limb from limb?  Who knows - but lets see what they look like intact!

Team Crimson Corpse Creators Coach Coops

They're mean, they're green and they like it obscene its the Crimson Corpse Creators!  Look out for these bad boys in our featured match from the 15th August squaring up against Rico's Roaches.

Team Brutal Deluxe Coach Dan

Mmm, purple.  The colour of emperors, Centauri and and porn stars the world over.  It also looks alright on homicidal future sports teams too, or at least Dan thinks so.  Purple or not can Brutal Deluxe deliver when it matters though?  Only time will tell!

I don't know about you sports fans but I can smell the blood already!!

ParthianShot signing off!

Saturday, 3 August 2013

PCDBL - Kick Off Date!

All the try-outs, all the warm ups, all the "friendlies" played have led to this moment

PCDBL kicks off on 15th August!  

That's right sports fans, 15th August 2013 will see the league kick off at the Phat Cats regular club night.  Anticipation is high and the trash talk is flowing freely.  Whilst the teams prepare themselves let me take you through the league divisions and explain how its all going to hang together.

The teams are divided into four divisions of five teams and two conferences of two divisions.  Each team will play one league match against each of the teams in its division plus one game with a team from its sister division in its conference.

Teams will score 3 league points for a 7-0 landslide or 2 league points for any other win.  Losing teams get nothing except if they manage to score at least once  in a non-landslide victory in which case they get a single league point.

The top two teams for each division will then go forward into a knock out competition with the last team standing taking the title of PCDBL Champion for 2013.  There will also be prizes!

The league will be played on a modified Dreadball pitch.  The PCDBL has recently installed hyper kinetic ball launchers in place of the standard launcher making it very perilous indeed to stand on the launch hexes! In effect the ball launcher now counts as a ball thrown with the intent to injure.  Launch tests will be a standard 3D6 at 4+.  Players will be able to dodge (if they can see it coming!) but not catch it.

A panel of independent adjudicators drew the teams into their divisions so lets see how they look:

Alpha Division, Phat Conference

Panzerkrieg - Spencer
Brutal Deluxe - Dan
J-MEAT - Peter
Squat Thrust - Chris
<Zz'or> - Philip

Beta Division, Phat Conference

The Vaticlan - Austin
Psychotic Stunties - Lee O.
Helheim Serpents - Alaisdhair
Titanium Terrors - Stuart
Lady Destroying Behemoths - Ross Koch-McLovin

Delta Division, Cats Conference

Rico's Roaches - Ant
Crimson Corpse Creators - Cooper
Zhambel Horsemen - Rob H (aka Gimli)
Super Nashwan - Gaz
The Disrespecters - Darrell

Gamma Division, Cats Conference

Guttersnipe Racketeers - Lee U.
L.C.B.W. - Nick
Iron Sparkies - Jake
Olympiakos Paiderastes - Sonny the Greek
Jackhammers - Jack

I don't know about you sports fans but I'm positively dripping excitement!

One last thing - for your match commentaries I'll be handing the blog over to a couple of Dreadball legends

Elwood T. Bone: The retired star striker from the now defunct Tel Aviv Trepanners still holds the records for the most four point strikes in a single match and for the most cheerleaders impregnated in a single season.  Expect Elwood to be casting a probing eye over all things offensive (both in the game and off the pitch) and giving you the benefit of his years of experience albeit not all of which you would like him to share with you.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer:  Consistently voted the most violent player in virtually every team he has played for (and he's played for a lot) Kurt's list of fatalities would make Ghengis Khan look like the Dalai Lama.  When he can keep his explosive rage under control, Kurt will be critically appraising the defensive aspects of the game.  There's a lot of wisdom in there once you take out all the expletives.

ParthianShot signing off!