It's hot, it's hard and it's fast just like a sweaty geek rubbing his junk on a Forgeworld catalogue;
IT'S THE PHATCATS DREADBALL LEAGUE (PCDBL)!
The crowds have been going wild for Dreadball at Phatcats and with our local league about to start I, your faithful man on the spot, am here to introduce you to the sporting mayhem that lies ahead. Sixteen coaches and their teams of barely sentient pain dealers will be battling it out on the neon lit pitches of the future. Strikes will be scored, blood will be spilled and the Dice Gods will mete out benevolence and retribution in a statistically improbable fashion. There will be elation, despair and a few tears (manly tears of loss you understand, not girly tears because you've banged your elbow in a painful fashion or because they've screwed your favourite Warmahordes caster in a FAQ).
All the results and match reports will be published here as well as the league table and coach interviews (hopefully with a load of blatant trash talking). Look out for profiles of the rising stars of the league as well as the inevitable obituaries of the famous and infamous.
Without further ado lets introduce you to some of the teams and coaches to look out for:
Team: Brutal Deluxe Coach: Dan
Playing in the Void Siren style, Brutal Deluxe are relying on their versatile Jacks and FOUR coaching dice to establish a foothold in the early league games to build on. Led by one of the more experienced coaches, Brutal Deluxe will be looking to use all the guile and cunning they can muster to defeat the more powerful teams in the league
Dan says of his team
"We're here to pleasure ladies and win; and all the ladies just left town."
Team: Psychotic Stunties Coach: Lee O.
Forgefathers make a tough proposition being very strong and resilient. Their speed provides the only real weakness to exploit but a a wall of angry forgefathers can be nigh on impossible to breach. Lee O has a few games under his belt and no doubt has considered how best to make use of his team of angry midgets. It will probably involve inflicting a lot of pain though.
Team: Crimson Corpse Creators Coach: Coops
The combination of mentally unhinged Orx and sneaky Goblins is a potential league winner if applied in the right fashion. Fortunately Coops is a veteran player with tournament experience under his belt and has faced off against virtually every team out there. This will not doubt prove decisive when comes to the league and opponents should expect to beef up their medical insurance in prelude to a match against these mentalists.
Team L.C.B.W. Coach: Nick
Oooo .... Judwan. The long-armed Yewtree suspects under the auspices of Nick have proven to be a tough nut to crack in one off warm up games. Until recently they had enjoyed a 100% win record utilising their speed and throwing ability to dominate the game. The league might prove a more challenging proposition though given their innately squishy nature and the cost of replacements. There's not a coach out there that doesn't dread the day that Nick rolls a skill boost for a Judwan star player ...
A note on the team name; PCDBL is happy to take rude, offensive and scatological suggestions for what the acronym is.
Team: Rico's Roaches Coach: Anton
Urgh! Pass me the kettle; these bastards are swarming! It's the Zz'or! These skittering freaks are part of season two of Dreadball and, to be honest, I'm not sure anyone has played against them at the club! They should be one to watch though with excellent Jacks and the hardest Guard in the game. Moreover Anton is the godfather of Dreadball at Phatcats and his casually brutal playing style is always entertaining to watch. Its going to take more than a can of ant powder to get rid of this lot!
Team: Panzerkrieg Coach: Spencer
Vorsprung der Fick Dich! Like a Nazi football team this well oiled Robot team is precision engineered for persecution and pogroms. Their efficient kill rate and accurate scoring is nothing less than their Fuhrer expects. Other coaches might be hoping for a less effective performance though! Be on the look out for the tricksy robots changing role mid game; this gives them unprecedented versatility if the dice are in your favour.
As Spencer says
"For you ze league is OVER!"
Team Lady Destroying Behemoths Coach Ross Koch-McLovin
The second human team in the league, Lady Destroying Behemoths, play in the Trontek style bringing the all round human capability with the advantage of two starting cards to keep their opponent guessing. Added to the team is the looming presence of Ross; throwing the board into shadow with his Godzilla like bulk and glaring at his opponent with his trade marked "prepare your anus" face. One would like to think its all about gamesmanship but there have been too many disappearances and too many witnesses silenced for it to be coincidental. Draw your own conclusions ...
Team Squat Thrust Coach Chris
The second Forgefather team in the league, opponents of Squat Thrust should be less worried about the incoming wall of compressed muscle and more worried about Chris' Vegas rolling. Well renowned for his inability to roll lower than 5 he will undoubtedly drive opposing coaches insane with his statistically unbelievable luck. Needless to say his dice are being subjected to rigorous drugs testing.
Team The Vaticlan Coach Austin
Its all tails, teeth and squeaks with this one as Austin fields the Ver-myn. Austin has had a couple of Dreadball games and has exhibited an attitude to inter-team violence that should be applauded. With two rocket powered guards and the slipperiest strikers in the game (apart from maybe the Judwan) should give him the tools he needs to hurt his opponents on the scoreboard and the team bench. Not too sure I like the idea of being touched by rats though ... I mean we all know how badly it turned out in the 14th Century. Euw; I'm going to get vaccinated.
That's all for now; but I'd like to leave you with this thought: Like Adolf Hitler, Dreadball has only one ball. But this one is made of titanium baby!
ParthianShot signing off