PCDBL - Its all gone a bit alien wing wong!

I was hoping to bring you coverage of the final round one matches in this blog sports fans, unfortunately terrorist action (they're renovating the floor in our gaming hall) and legal ineptitude (a solicitor screwed up my house move) meant that the games this week had to be postponed.  Lucky for you though we've got "Elwood and Kurts'  Probing Eye";  their view of some of the rising stars of the league.  To start with though let's look at the current league standings.

Alpha Division, Phat Conference

Team	Coach	Race	Played	Strike Difference	League Points
J-MEAT	Pete	Judwan	1	7	3
Brutal Deluxe	Dan	Void Siren	1	7	3
Squat Thrust	Chris	Forge Fathers	0	0	0
TBC	Phil	Zz'or	0	0	0
Panzerkrieg	Spencer	Robot	1	-7	0

Alpha Division is shaping up to be a division of of extremes!  J-MEAT and Brutal Deluxe are the two highest scoring teams in the entire league so far and tickets for their future match up are already selling like bottled water during a cholera outbreak.  Squat Thrust and the as yet unnamed Zz'or team (they're enigmatic bastards as well as getting into your skirting boards) have yet to play leaving Panzerkrieg languishing at the bottom.  With only one game down though there is plenty of opportunity to turn the table on its head.

Beta Division, Phat Conference

Team	Coach	Race	Played	Strike Difference	League Points
The Vaticlan	Austin	Veer-myn	1	2	2
Psychotic Stunties	Lee Oswin	Forge Fathers	1	2	2
Helheim Serpents	Alaisdhair	Forge Fathers	1	-2	1
Titanium Terrors	Stuart J	Robots	1	-2	1
Lady Destroying Behemoths	Ross Koch-McLovin	Trontek 29ers	1	-7	0

Some cagey, defensive games in the first round is reflected in the league standings.  They were brutal though with Beta Division having had the most fatalities of any of the divisions.  Only the Lady Destroying Behemoths are lagging but again, its all still to play for.

Delta Division, Cats Conference

Team	Coach	Race	Played	Strike Difference	League Points
Rico's Roaches	Ant	Zz'orr	1	1	2
Crimson Corpse Creators	Coops	Orx	1	-1	0
Zhambel Horsemen	Rob Howard	Trontek 29ers	0	0	0
Super Nashwan	Gaz	Void Siren	0	0	0
The Disrespecters	Darrell	Veer-myn	0	0	0

Another really tight (ooo, matron!) division if the first match was anything to go by.  There's another clash of human teams styles in the offing with Super Nashwan and Zhambel Horsemen squaring off which will certainly be one to watch.

Gama Division, Cats Conference

Team	Coach	Race	Played	Strike Difference	League Points
L.C.B.W.	Nick	Judwan	1	5	2
Iron Sparkies	Jake	Trontek 29ers	1	-5	1
Guttersnipe Racketeers	Lee Upton	Veer-myn	0	0	0
Olympiakos Paiderastes	Sonny	Trontek 29ers	0	0	0
Jackhammers	Jack	Robots	0	0	0

LCBW managed to win their first match giving them an early lead in Gamma Division however, all the pundits are asking, will their failure to secure a landslide victory against the Iron Sparkies make them vulnerable later on?  Only time will tell!

Elwood and Kurt's Probing Eye

Elwood T. Bone
Welcome sexy people to our first Probing Eye of the season.  We'll be looking at those players who have made their mark ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
... quite literally in some cases ...

Elwood T. Bone
... on the league so far!

ALPHA DIVISION

Elwood T. Bone
Let's take at look at Alpha Division first, Kurt.  J-MEAT are sitting pretty right at the top their thanks to their star strikers ... err ... is that a "K"?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
How the frack-a-nola should I know Elwood?  That's no writing I've ever seen before - I thought someone had sneezed on my script.  For the purposes of this Probing Eye #4 is Shitweasel and #5 is Fudgerocket; near as god-dammit as I'm going to get to their names.

Elwood T. Bone
Didn't you win an award once for cross species cultural understanding Kurt?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yeah but only after I threatened to beat the voting panel to death with a Zz'or's gentalia if they didn't vote for me.

Elwood T. Bone
In any case those those freaky Judwan are scoring machines.  Who knows by the end of the season Shitweasel and Fudgerocket could both be in the running for the Golden Glove for top scorer.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
If we're talking about records lets look at one player that has set the bar high for everyone in his first match; Dutch Van Haegan, #1 Guard for Brutal Deluxe achieved the fastest league kill with a Rush 2, Action 2 kill.  I've always said the best defence is a brutal and efficient maiming of the opponent; strikers can't score if they're dead!

Elwood T. Bone

Unfortunately true, Kurt.  Brutal Deluxe have two of the top scoring strikers as well to go with their monster guard.  #11 Thelonius Caine and #12 Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto both slammed home 4 pointers.  I sense a bit of rivalry between these two Kurt!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
They're strikers Elwood; it's probably just sexual tension ...

BETA DIVISION

Elwood T. Bone

Its the graveyard division!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Oh yes Elwood; this is the division where players come to die - IN THEIR DROVES!  Right at the top of this predatory food chain is Psychotic Stunties #1 Guard Borden Forgefist and his tag team partner, #2 Guard Gunnar Earbiter, between them them tallied two kills and a serious repair job.  A psychotically pleasing start to the season!

Elwood T. Bone

Indeed and if that were not enough #13 Striker Herger "Tugboat" Krems managed a 3 point strike.  Took him all game to get there though!  Personally I don't think "Tugboat" will be threatening for the Golden Glove by the end of the season but then I've seen Kurt holding a puppy so stranger things have happened!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I was looking for somewhere to drown it.  I have to agree though Elwood; Forgefather strikers are about as much use as a prophylactic flavoured lollipop.  Watch those guards though sports fans!

Elwood T. Bone

If we're talking about top scorers we need to be looking at The Vaticlan my dangerously violent compatriot.  #3 Striker Skrittik Cheesewhizz and #5 Striker Renik Twitchflick both of whom delivered the strikes to win their first game and I have to say they are on fire.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Great news!  I've often thought cooking Veer-myn could solve many problems!

Elwood T. Bone

Not literally on fire; its an expression ... can I just ask what your IQ is again Kurt?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Anything over 60 is wasted on a true Dreadballer ...

Elwood T. Bone

So somewhere in the low 50's then I'm guessing.  That's all for now oh Disciples of Dreadball.  In the next programme we'll be looking at the new talent in Delta and Gamma divisions and previewing the frenzied bidding as the MVP market opens for the first time this season.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes its a real meat-market ...

Elwood T. Bone

Reminds me of an Asterian Courtesan auction I went to once; so difficult to tell the genders apart and yet intriguing experiences either way you went ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Your are a rancid, weeping carbuncle on the forehead of humanity Elwood.  I'm off to get hosed down.

PCDBL - LET'S PLAY BALL!

Welcome back sport's fans!  The first night of the PCDBL league has been played and it was a night to remember.  It was a night for making new heroes, forging new rivalries and burying the newly dead!  For our round up of the night's events lets go over to the studio now where Elwood T. Bone and Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer are waiting to pick over the bones.

Elwood T. Bone 
Thank you Mr Shot!  It was indeed a night to remember; nine 3+ strikes, five serious injuries and three fatalities.  Sounds like the post-testimonial party I hosted last week; boy do those Asterian chicks like a good strike!  By the way, if members of the Corporation Law Enforcement community are watching, I still have NO memory of how that Judwan ended up face down in the pool.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
How are you not dead from Venusian Scrotum Rot you deviant pond dweller?  I also notice I didn't get an invite to that party; thanks for that.  Back to the games though and lets have a look at the round up of tonight's matches:

FEATURED MATCH:  Rico's Roaches v Crimson Corpse Creators

Rico's Roaches and Crimson Corpse Creators wait for the launch to start the game.

Roaches Coach, Anton is looking confident.  He's also managed to get some product placement in which will make his sponsors happy!

Crimson Corpse Creators Coach, Coops look like he has something up his sleeve.  Lets hope its a plan for the match and not something less savoury.  Personally I reckon its the latter.

Elwood T. Bone 

This was a tight one, which as my fans will know is just how I like them!  The goblinz are a slippery bunch and made the most of their speed to weave through the Roaches defence.  Turned out though that they all need more practice on the throwing range as they couldn't score a single strike!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

That's right Elwood, there was guard on guard action in the centre of the pitch as the teams fought to establish defensive dominance.  It was a carapace crunching affair too as Crimson Corpse Creator #2 Mongo Manmasher hit a Roaches' jack so hard his chitin split, spraying bug innards everywhere.  I'd say it was dead Elwood but who can tell with these alien freaks?

FIGHT!  Hang on; where did the ball go?

Elwood T. Bone 

As the clock ticked away the goblinz missed strike after strike as the Roaches traded blows with the Orx.  Will nobody think of the ball?!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

Screw the ball you priapic gland, the Roaches played a masterful defensive game grinding down the Crimson Corpse Creators through sheer iron will.  With the final klaxon announcing sudden death that changed though!

Elwood T. Bone 

It certainly did; making a final play to end the match, Rico's Roaches #8, "Sugar Rush" scooped the ball into it's alien scoopy-appendage, scuttled into the 1 point strike zone and promptly slammed that baby home!  The first and only strike attempt by the Roaches won them the match!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

Sure; all the deviants and cocktail drinkers out there will have wanted a more open game.  But I say go touch yourself with a cattleprod you inbred hemaphrodites; this was a real game with a real result!

FINAL SCORE:  Crimson Corpse Creators 0 - 1 Rico's Roaches

Helheim Serpents v The Vaticlan 

The Vaticlan #3, Skritik Cheesewhizz slams home the winning three point strike leaving Serpents' players eating his dust.  Rumours abound that the "all grey" uniform of the Serpents is being changed for their next match!

Elwood T. Bone 
Two fairly inexperienced coaches led to a wide open game.  In the end though the Helheim Serpents with their tiny legs just couldn't outscore The Vaticlan.  Despite the Serpents scoring a three pointer and a single point strike two big three pointers put the The Vaticlan ahead as the clock counted out leaving the rats to head to the sewer for an after party and the stumpies to sit and cry into their beards.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes I have to say the the defensive errors on both sides made me quite angry Elwood.  I might have even lashed out at one stage.  Apologies to Pip Angostura from K-Mine Industries Vidcast;  hope your nose can be grown back.  On a legal point, Pip, I did tell you not to sit that close to me.  More gratifyingly both The Vaticlan and the Serpents did demonstrate the violence that is the cornerstone of a good defence with Serpents #6 Gunnar Bjarnisson and The Vaticlan #3 Sarkos the Scabrous both sending an opponent to out for surgery!

FINAL SCORE:  The Vaticlan 2 - 0 Helheim Serpents

J-MEAT v Panzerkrieg

Don't look away because you might miss the whole match!

Elwood T. Bone 
High holy frickin' hookers on space hoppers if you blinked you would have missed this game.  Right from the off J-MEAT dominated possession running circles around Panzerkrieg.  Those robots just couldn't catch a break! When the ball finally did fall in their favour it promptly shattered handing the ball back to J-MEAT to score their final strike for a landslide victory.  Those Judwan are just so frickin flexible ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
The Judwan disgust me Elwood.  If it were up to me I'd drown them all in a swimming pool ...

Elwood T. Bone 
I couldn't comment on that Kurt ... I don't remember a thing.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
You can't question their scoring ability but who in a sane and God-fearing universe would play Dreadball without any guards?  And what was that celebratory thing J-MEAT #4 and #5 did after their 3 point strikes?  It was like some kind of judwan-erotic pre-bunk up dance.  Made me puke.  Again, apologies to Pip Angostura ...

FINAL SCORE:  J-MEAT 7 - 0 Panzerkrieg

Iron Sparkies v LCBW 

Playing at the new Tesla Dome stadium, its 30 seconds to pain-o'clock!

Elwood T. Bone 
It seems the lanky freaks are not flawless!  Despite their flowing moves getting them out of trouble time and time again,  LCBW coach, Nick was not happy with his teams ball handling as they fumbled too many attempts.  Personally I find you need to pay a premium to get really high quality ball handling or spend exhaustive time in one on one sessions to teach the correct method.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Wait; are you talking about Dreadball or hookers?

Elwood T. Bone 
Equally applicable advice Kurt ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I swear I'm sending you my decontamination bill you diseased reprobate.    What I do know is that the Iron Sparkies made far too many defensive errors, the most basic being that to really hurt a Judwan you need three players; two to hold it still and one to twat it in the wing wong.  Otherwise the slippery bastards get away.

Elwood T. Bone 
In the end defensive errors gifted the game to LCBW with #6 Shoon-Ra the Contemplative scoring two 3+ strikes and taking the man of the match.

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Freak of the week more like ...

FINAL SCORE:  Iron Sparkies 0 - 5 LCBW

Psychotic Stunties v Titanium Terrors

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

This was a servo-smashing affair Elwood with two, that's TWO fatalities.  Psychotic Stunties #1 Guard, Borden Forgefist and #2 Guard Gunnar Earbiter totalled a robot each with Borden dispatching another to the repair yard.  That's going to be expensive!

Elwood T. Bone 
It certainly is Kurt, especially since the Stunties managed to score a 3+ point strike!  Probably too much to ask them to score more than once given the time it takes them to run the full length of the pitch.  All the Titanium Terrors could manage was a single point in reply.  Not so terrifying after all it would seem.  On the plus side I here there is good money to be found providing AI modules for auto-erotic stimulation devices; they might have failed as players but some cheerleader will be smiling!

FINAL SCORE:  Psychotic Stunties 2 - 0 Titanium Terrors

Lady Destroying Behemoths v Brutal Deluxe

Elwood T. Bone 
We witnessed a clash of styles in this match with Lady Destroying Behemoths playing in the Trontek style versus Brutal Deluxe's Void Siren set up.  And what a match it was!

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

It certainly was; Brutal Deluxe now are the proud holders of fastest kill in the leagues with a text book, rush two take down of a Lady Destroying Behemoth striker.  #1 Guard Dutch Van Haegan executed a perfect neck chop; who'd have thought it would actually remove his target's head though?  Even if they stitch that back on its going to leave a scar!

Elwood T. Bone 
Let's not forget the underhanded play by Brutal Deluxe getting Lady Destroying Behemoths' #1 Guard Steph "Codemonkey" Ashwell set off by forcing a suckerpunch.  He didn't see that coming, but the ref certainly did!  Lady Destroying Behemoths got an early one point strike on the board but Brutal Deluxe #11 Thelonius Caine countered with a dashing move to score a four point strike.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

That certainly riled the Lady Destroying Behemoths' #2 Guard Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton who served up an express delivery of pain to a Brutal Deluxe jack, knocking him the frick out!

Elwood T. Bone 
Yes but Lady Destroying Behemoths fumbled their last play scattering their ball dangerously into their three point strike zone.  With the last rush of the game Brutal Deluxe's #12 striker Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto sprinted the length of the pitch to gather the ball and then, to add insult to injury, audaciously hopped back into the bonus hex to score a four point strike and clinch the game! LANDSLIDE-RYU!!!!!!!!!!

FINAL SCORE:  Lady Destroying Behemoths 0 - 7 Brutal Deluxe

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

That's all for tonight sports fans ...

Elwood T. Bone 
Although I am available at the Sweaty Crevice Nightclub later if there are any erotic adventurers out there eager for new experiences ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer

You are aware that it is only the money I get paid for this that is preventing me from killing you. And seriously, wash next time, you smell like a turd covered in burnt hair.

Elwood T. Bone 
That's what desire smells like ...

PCDBL - colour me hospitalised ...

Bienvenue, wilkommen, welcome sports fans to the PCDBL blog.

With a mere 72 hours until it all kicks off (and I mean that literally; Ross Koch-McLovin, having lived for years with a highly suggestive surname and Godzilla jokes (he's HUGE) is rated 9.4 on the table-flipping scale) the teams are starting to post some honey shots.   Mmmm, work it for the camera!

Let's start with the pros ...

Team Rico's Roaches Coach Anton

Anton, as well as being the official Godfather of Dreadball at Phatcats is also a painting machine.  Seriously I think the man has invented some kind of time distortion device given the quality and quantity of the stuff he turns out.  On his blog you can find some cracking photos of Rico's Roaches who will be one of the teams in the featured matches from the first night of the league.  I'd recommend a browse through the rest of his stuff ... it's proper "Diary of a Mad Man" stuff and very entertaining!


http://toomuchmetal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/lets-get-ready-to-rumble-zzor-dreadball.html

Team Titanium Terrors Coach Stuart J

These vending machines of violence and violation have had their warm up games and are ready for the real thing.  What's the orx doing in the front of the picture you ask?  Target practice ...

Team Iron Sparkies Coach Jake
There's something timeless about about angry men in power armour, a timelessness that Jake has managed to capture in his team.  Will it still be apparent after they've been torn limb from limb?  Who knows - but lets see what they look like intact!

Team Crimson Corpse Creators Coach Coops

They're mean, they're green and they like it obscene its the Crimson Corpse Creators!  Look out for these bad boys in our featured match from the 15th August squaring up against Rico's Roaches.

Team Brutal Deluxe Coach Dan

Mmm, purple.  The colour of emperors, Centauri and and porn stars the world over.  It also looks alright on homicidal future sports teams too, or at least Dan thinks so.  Purple or not can Brutal Deluxe deliver when it matters though?  Only time will tell!

I don't know about you sports fans but I can smell the blood already!!

ParthianShot signing off!

PCDBL - Kick Off Date!

All the try-outs, all the warm ups, all the "friendlies" played have led to this moment

PCDBL kicks off on 15th August!  

That's right sports fans, 15th August 2013 will see the league kick off at the Phat Cats regular club night.  Anticipation is high and the trash talk is flowing freely.  Whilst the teams prepare themselves let me take you through the league divisions and explain how its all going to hang together.

The teams are divided into four divisions of five teams and two conferences of two divisions.  Each team will play one league match against each of the teams in its division plus one game with a team from its sister division in its conference.

Teams will score 3 league points for a 7-0 landslide or 2 league points for any other win.  Losing teams get nothing except if they manage to score at least once  in a non-landslide victory in which case they get a single league point.

The top two teams for each division will then go forward into a knock out competition with the last team standing taking the title of PCDBL Champion for 2013.  There will also be prizes!

The league will be played on a modified Dreadball pitch.  The PCDBL has recently installed hyper kinetic ball launchers in place of the standard launcher making it very perilous indeed to stand on the launch hexes! In effect the ball launcher now counts as a ball thrown with the intent to injure.  Launch tests will be a standard 3D6 at 4+.  Players will be able to dodge (if they can see it coming!) but not catch it.

A panel of independent adjudicators drew the teams into their divisions so lets see how they look:

Alpha Division, Phat Conference

Panzerkrieg - Spencer
Brutal Deluxe - Dan
J-MEAT - Peter
Squat Thrust - Chris
<Zz'or> - Philip

Beta Division, Phat Conference

The Vaticlan - Austin
Psychotic Stunties - Lee O.
Helheim Serpents - Alaisdhair
Titanium Terrors - Stuart
Lady Destroying Behemoths - Ross Koch-McLovin

Delta Division, Cats Conference

Rico's Roaches - Ant
Crimson Corpse Creators - Cooper
Zhambel Horsemen - Rob H (aka Gimli)
Super Nashwan - Gaz
The Disrespecters - Darrell

Gamma Division, Cats Conference

Guttersnipe Racketeers - Lee U.
L.C.B.W. - Nick
Iron Sparkies - Jake
Olympiakos Paiderastes - Sonny the Greek
Jackhammers - Jack


I don't know about you sports fans but I'm positively dripping excitement!

One last thing - for your match commentaries I'll be handing the blog over to a couple of Dreadball legends

Elwood T. Bone: The retired star striker from the now defunct Tel Aviv Trepanners still holds the records for the most four point strikes in a single match and for the most cheerleaders impregnated in a single season.  Expect Elwood to be casting a probing eye over all things offensive (both in the game and off the pitch) and giving you the benefit of his years of experience albeit not all of which you would like him to share with you.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer:  Consistently voted the most violent player in virtually every team he has played for (and he's played for a lot) Kurt's list of fatalities would make Ghengis Khan look like the Dalai Lama.  When he can keep his explosive rage under control, Kurt will be critically appraising the defensive aspects of the game.  There's a lot of wisdom in there once you take out all the expletives.

ParthianShot signing off!

PCDBL - The Teams and Coaches Pt 2

Welcome back you lovers of the shiny ball!  Today we will be continuing the run down of the reprobates participating in the league and hopefully giving you a little window into their souls.  Just remember what Nietzsche said though:

"... if you gaze long enough into the Abyss, the Abyss will also gaze into you."

Then again he had syphilis and probably fancied his sister so we can probably discount any advice he had to offer; so gaze on brave reader!

Team Super Nashwan Coach Gaz

Normally to be seen destroying people's dreams at Warmahordes tournaments Gaz is a new comer to the world of Dreadball.  To underestimate him though and his Void Siren style team would be a mistake.  The combination of the teams flexibility and Gaz's killer instinct on the gaming table will make them a force to be reckoned with.

Team Helheim Serpents Coach Alaisdhair

More Dreadball freshmeat!  Alaisdhair hails from a 40k background so we'll be checking to make sure he's not brought any guns to the party.  Or swords for that matter ... In fact what is it with the 41st century and sword obsession?  Get a gun you power armoured clowns!  Ahem; anyway for PCDBL Alaisdhair will be fielding the vertically challenged hairy faced forgefathers.  Just nobody mention Squats OK?

Team Olympiakos Paiderastes Coach Sonny "the Greek"

What have Greeks ever given us?  Democracy, philosophy, mathematics, kebabs, economic disaster, oiled naked man wrestling; the list is both long and impressive.  The real question is though can they also provide the next PCDBL Champion? Sonny will be attempting to make this a reality by leading out his Trontek style team in an effort to reignite the glories of Ancient Greece.  Is he the true descendant of Leonidas, Xenophon and Alexander?  Probably not but he might win a few matches of Dreadball!

Team Titanium Terrors Coach Stuart J

This meat is so fresh it doesn't even know it's dead yet!  We'll sort that out in the next 48 hours though with his first game of Dreadball. Stuart is fielding a robot team who I have to say are a popular team choice in the league.  He will be hoping the quick changes and well oiled tactics of these armoured algorithms will lead to victory; defeat does not compute!


Team Guttersnipe Racketeers Coach Lee U

Lee is fielding the Veer-myn!  Sure, they're a bunch of rat bastards who should be kept in labs for the purposes of cosmetics testing but lets not hold that against them.  Unnaturally quick strikers with surprisingly capable guards make a powerful combination and an entertaining team to watch.  It's just the fur and uncontrollable urination I can't cope with; still, Lee has promised to see his doctor about his personal issues before the league starts.

Team Jackhammers Coach Jack

What could be more appropriate than a team of jacks, coached by Jack, called the Jackhammers?  It's almost like we plan this shit!  Jack is another new player seduced by the automated attraction of the robot team and who can blame him?  As Jack says:

"You have 14 rushes to comply ..."

Team J-MEAT  Coach Pete

Pete, being a long time player of Blood Bowl (henceforth referred to as the Game That Dare not Speak Its Name), asked me:

"ParthianShot, you wise and most knowledgeable fellow, who plays most like Wood Elves?"

There was only one answer and as such Pete will be fielding the Judwan!  Personally this scares me a little not because the Judwan are unbeatable (they aren't, but feel free to debate that if you like) but because Pete has the brain of a Ukranian Chess Grandmaster.  Fortunately he rolls dice like a clown shoe so it all balances out eventually!

Team <TBC>  Coach  Phil

I don't know about you, dear readers, but I think anything with more than four legs should be hit repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper.  When they get this large however anything less than a thermonuclear device is just going to piss them off.  Phil is a bit off the beaten track gamewise, normally to be seen commanding 20 mm World War 2 miniatures to victory.  His soviet-like disregard for the life of his troops should stand him in good stead in the Dreadball arena though.  OOO-RAHH!

Team Zhambel Horsemen Coach Rob H.

Taking a break from chasing TIE fighters in games of X-Wing, Rob is hoping that the force will be with him on the Dreadball pitch.  His choice of a Trontek style corporation team is solid one and quite popular in the league.  One thing I can say with certainty is that there will be no snogging of your own sister, unexpected paternity revelations or compulsion to "let the Wookie win" in PCDBL.

Moreover there will be punishments for ANYONE referring to Lee U as a wookie;  we're all thinking it, just don't say it!

Team Iron Sparkies Coach  Jake

ANOTHER 29er team!  Jake is an artist at heart, attracted to the models first and foremost  as a random purchase.  We all appreciate a decent paint job; thing is what is it going to look like after being comprehensively violated by a bunch of psychotic loons?  I don't know about you sports fans, but I can't wait to see!

That's all for now Dreadball fans.  Stay classy until next time!

ParthianShot signing off!

LAST MINUTE UPDATE

In true rat-fashion sneakiness we've had a last minute entry bringing the league up to 20 teams.

Team The Disrespecters Coach Darrell

Having gone from having a single Veer-myn teams in the league, Darrell's team of sewer dwellers has made them one of the most popular teams in the league!  maybe its true what they say after all you're only ever one strike away from a Veer-myn!

PCDBL - Greetings Sports Fans! The Coaches Pt 1

It's hot, it's hard and it's fast just like a sweaty geek rubbing his junk on a Forgeworld catalogue;

IT'S THE PHATCATS DREADBALL LEAGUE (PCDBL)!

The crowds have been going wild for Dreadball at Phatcats and with our local league about to start I, your faithful man on the spot, am here to introduce you to the sporting mayhem that lies ahead.  Sixteen coaches and their teams of barely sentient pain dealers will be battling it out on the neon lit pitches of the future.  Strikes will be scored, blood will be spilled and the Dice Gods will mete out benevolence and retribution in a statistically improbable fashion.  There will be elation, despair and a few tears (manly tears of loss you understand, not girly tears because you've banged your elbow in a painful fashion or because they've screwed your favourite Warmahordes caster in a FAQ).

All the results and match reports will be published here as well as the league table and coach interviews (hopefully with a load of blatant trash talking).  Look out for profiles of the rising stars of the league as well as the inevitable obituaries of the famous and infamous.

Without further ado lets introduce you to some of the teams and coaches to look out for:

Team:  Brutal Deluxe  Coach:  Dan

Playing in the Void Siren style, Brutal Deluxe are relying on their versatile Jacks and FOUR coaching dice to establish a foothold in the early league games to build on.  Led by one of the more experienced coaches, Brutal Deluxe will be looking to use all the guile and cunning they can muster to defeat the more powerful teams in the league

Dan says of his team

"We're here to pleasure ladies and win; and all the ladies just left town."

Team:  Psychotic Stunties Coach:  Lee O.

Forgefathers make a tough proposition being very strong and resilient.  Their speed provides the only real weakness to exploit but a a wall of angry forgefathers can be nigh on impossible to breach.  Lee O has a few games under his belt and no doubt has considered how best to make use of his team of angry midgets.  It will probably involve inflicting a lot of pain though.

Team: Crimson Corpse Creators  Coach:  Coops

The combination of mentally unhinged Orx and sneaky Goblins is a potential league winner if applied in the right fashion.  Fortunately Coops is a veteran player with tournament experience under his belt and has faced off against virtually every team out there.  This will not doubt prove decisive when comes to the league and opponents should expect to beef up their medical insurance in prelude to a match against these mentalists.

Team L.C.B.W. Coach:   Nick

Oooo .... Judwan.  The long-armed Yewtree suspects under the auspices of Nick have proven to be a tough nut to crack in one off warm up games.  Until recently they had enjoyed a 100% win record utilising their speed and throwing ability to dominate the game.  The league might prove a more challenging proposition though given their innately squishy nature and the cost of replacements.  There's not a coach out there that doesn't dread the day that Nick rolls a skill boost for a Judwan star player ...

A note on the team name; PCDBL is happy to take rude, offensive and scatological suggestions for what the acronym is. 

Team:  Rico's Roaches  Coach:  Anton

Urgh!  Pass me the kettle; these bastards are swarming!  It's the Zz'or!  These skittering freaks are part of season two of Dreadball and, to be honest, I'm not sure anyone has played against them at the club!  They should be one to watch though with excellent Jacks and the hardest Guard in the game.  Moreover  Anton is the godfather of Dreadball at Phatcats and his casually brutal playing style is always entertaining to watch.  Its going to take more than a can of ant powder to get rid of this lot!

Team:  Panzerkrieg  Coach:  Spencer

Vorsprung der Fick Dich!  Like a Nazi football team this well oiled Robot team is precision engineered for persecution and pogroms.  Their efficient kill rate and accurate scoring is nothing less than their Fuhrer expects.  Other coaches might be hoping for a less effective performance though!  Be on the look out for the tricksy robots changing role mid game;  this gives them unprecedented versatility if the dice are in your favour.

As Spencer says

"For you ze league is OVER!"

Team Lady Destroying Behemoths  Coach  Ross Koch-McLovin

The second human team in the league, Lady Destroying Behemoths, play in the Trontek style bringing the all round human capability with the advantage of two starting cards to keep their opponent guessing.  Added to the team is the looming presence of Ross; throwing the board into shadow with his Godzilla like bulk and glaring at his opponent with his trade marked "prepare your anus" face.  One would like to think its all about gamesmanship but there have been too many disappearances and too many witnesses silenced for it to be coincidental.  Draw your own conclusions ...

Team Squat Thrust  Coach Chris

The second Forgefather team in the league, opponents of Squat Thrust should be less worried about the incoming wall of compressed muscle and more worried about Chris' Vegas rolling.  Well renowned for his inability to roll lower than 5 he will undoubtedly drive opposing coaches insane with his statistically unbelievable luck.  Needless to say his dice are being subjected to rigorous drugs testing.

Team The Vaticlan  Coach  Austin

Its all tails, teeth and squeaks with this one as Austin fields the Ver-myn.  Austin has had a couple of Dreadball games and has exhibited an attitude to inter-team violence that should be applauded.  With two rocket powered guards and the slipperiest strikers in the game (apart from maybe the Judwan) should give him the tools he needs to hurt his opponents on the scoreboard and the team bench.  Not too sure I like the idea of being touched by rats though ... I mean we all know how badly it turned out in the 14th Century.  Euw;  I'm going to get vaccinated.

That's all for now; but I'd like to leave you with this thought:  Like Adolf Hitler, Dreadball has only one ball.  But this one is made of titanium baby!

ParthianShot signing off